Every couple argues. From bickering to full fledged shouting matches, it's natural to have disagreements and only human to make mistakes (and to be mad at someone for making mistakes). There are, however, a few things to keep in mind to avoid making things worse than they need to be.
Never call each other names. You might feel alienated, disappointed, angry, hurt, or betrayed, but if you call your loved one selfish, heartless, cold, lazy, ugly, fat, or any nasty word, you can never take it back. Names will stick in your partner's mind and will eventually come back and bite you. It opens up a vicious cycle of pain and retaliation, so you should try to avoid lashing out and being hurtful.
Never put words into the other person's mouth or mind. Statements like, "As soon as I start to ask you to do something, you start to think of excuses as to why you can't do it," or "You only ever think of yourself," are not only hurtful and counter-productive, they're also wrong.
You do not know what someone else is thinking. You can only guess. Making statements like these as though they are facts and not your opinion will make you look like a dick, both to the person you're arguing with, and anyone who might overhear you. The person you are talking to will generally focus on the fact that you are presumptuous enough to think you know their mind better than they do and not take in the point you're trying to make.
A better statement will only comment on what you actually do know: your own feelings. For example -
"I feel like I'm not being heard"
"I don't feel like you are taking my feelings into consideration, and that upsets me"
"I don't feel like you are helping around the house as much as is fair, and that makes me feel like the work I do isn't being appreciated."
Simple way to know if you're doing it right: Never start a sentence with "You," start with "I."
Do not make empty threats. The more threats you make but don't follow through on, the less you will be taken seriously. Threats of any kind should not be necessary in any situation, and if you use them in a fight you will instantly become the spoilt brat who can't stand it when things don't go their way, and can't argue their point well enough that they have to resort to threats in order to win. It also shows you up as a drama queen (or king) who is prone to overreactions. Of course, threats can come back and bite you, big time. One way a threat can come back on you is with a counter-threat.
"I'm going to leave you."
"Oh yeah? Well, I'm taking full custody of the kids."
Another way is to have your bluff called.
"If you don't.... I'll pack my bags and leave."
"You know what? I think you should."
In some cases, the person on the receiving end of the threat might believe you, and be so afraid of what you say you'll do that they go to extreme lengths to avoid it. For example, threatening to take someone's children away can sometimes make a person feel so desperate that they will kill to make sure the treat is never carried out.
Finally, threats are classed as abuse. No matter how big or small the threat, they're all essentially blackmailing. You might find yourself having the police called on you.
Before you make a threat, stop and think. Is the thing you're arguing about bad enough that you would actually do what you're threatening to do? If not, don't make the threat, because you are just saying it to upset the person and to scare them into compliance. If it is that bad, don't make the threat, just do it. Nothing should change your mind. If it's bad enough to leave, then leave. People always threatening to leave are the ones who, when they finally do, get harassed by their ex-partners who are sure that they'll "come round eventually" or "didn't think they were serious about leaving."
Some of this stuff might sound ridiculous, when you think of all the arguments you hear (or have taken part in) where people are swearing and name calling, threatening and putting words in each other's mouths, and then continuing on like nothing has happened. But like smoking, even though each argument only lasts so long, the damage is done under the surface. The more you do it, the worse it gets, and you do it even more.
Speaking for myself, I couldn't stay with a man who called me names. If my boyfriend ever called me fat, ugly, or stupid; or swore at me (in jest is one thing, but if he ever called me a bitch, c*nt, or whore and meant it,) I would have to leave him. It sounds stupid, leaving the life you've built with someone over a word, but I would know that the use of those words was meant to hurt me, rather than to fix a problem, and I would never be able to get that word in his voice out of my head. The argument would be over, but I would be constantly reminded that that was what he thought of me, that he could be so disrespectful to me. In my opinion, grown ups in a loving relationship don't talk to each other like that.
I would like to point out that throughout this post I have refrained as much as possible from using words like lover, partner, or spouse in relation to the person being argued with, because this advice and these arguments are not exclusive to couples. My friends that I've had those nasty arguments with have never remained friends for long, and if you don't choose your words carefully with family you'll have to live with the aftermath indefinitely.
In short, treat people with respect if you want to keep them in your life.
Never call each other names. You might feel alienated, disappointed, angry, hurt, or betrayed, but if you call your loved one selfish, heartless, cold, lazy, ugly, fat, or any nasty word, you can never take it back. Names will stick in your partner's mind and will eventually come back and bite you. It opens up a vicious cycle of pain and retaliation, so you should try to avoid lashing out and being hurtful.
Never put words into the other person's mouth or mind. Statements like, "As soon as I start to ask you to do something, you start to think of excuses as to why you can't do it," or "You only ever think of yourself," are not only hurtful and counter-productive, they're also wrong.
You do not know what someone else is thinking. You can only guess. Making statements like these as though they are facts and not your opinion will make you look like a dick, both to the person you're arguing with, and anyone who might overhear you. The person you are talking to will generally focus on the fact that you are presumptuous enough to think you know their mind better than they do and not take in the point you're trying to make.
A better statement will only comment on what you actually do know: your own feelings. For example -
"I feel like I'm not being heard"
"I don't feel like you are taking my feelings into consideration, and that upsets me"
"I don't feel like you are helping around the house as much as is fair, and that makes me feel like the work I do isn't being appreciated."
Simple way to know if you're doing it right: Never start a sentence with "You," start with "I."
Do not make empty threats. The more threats you make but don't follow through on, the less you will be taken seriously. Threats of any kind should not be necessary in any situation, and if you use them in a fight you will instantly become the spoilt brat who can't stand it when things don't go their way, and can't argue their point well enough that they have to resort to threats in order to win. It also shows you up as a drama queen (or king) who is prone to overreactions. Of course, threats can come back and bite you, big time. One way a threat can come back on you is with a counter-threat.
"I'm going to leave you."
"Oh yeah? Well, I'm taking full custody of the kids."
Another way is to have your bluff called.
"If you don't.... I'll pack my bags and leave."
"You know what? I think you should."
In some cases, the person on the receiving end of the threat might believe you, and be so afraid of what you say you'll do that they go to extreme lengths to avoid it. For example, threatening to take someone's children away can sometimes make a person feel so desperate that they will kill to make sure the treat is never carried out.
Finally, threats are classed as abuse. No matter how big or small the threat, they're all essentially blackmailing. You might find yourself having the police called on you.
Before you make a threat, stop and think. Is the thing you're arguing about bad enough that you would actually do what you're threatening to do? If not, don't make the threat, because you are just saying it to upset the person and to scare them into compliance. If it is that bad, don't make the threat, just do it. Nothing should change your mind. If it's bad enough to leave, then leave. People always threatening to leave are the ones who, when they finally do, get harassed by their ex-partners who are sure that they'll "come round eventually" or "didn't think they were serious about leaving."
Some of this stuff might sound ridiculous, when you think of all the arguments you hear (or have taken part in) where people are swearing and name calling, threatening and putting words in each other's mouths, and then continuing on like nothing has happened. But like smoking, even though each argument only lasts so long, the damage is done under the surface. The more you do it, the worse it gets, and you do it even more.
Speaking for myself, I couldn't stay with a man who called me names. If my boyfriend ever called me fat, ugly, or stupid; or swore at me (in jest is one thing, but if he ever called me a bitch, c*nt, or whore and meant it,) I would have to leave him. It sounds stupid, leaving the life you've built with someone over a word, but I would know that the use of those words was meant to hurt me, rather than to fix a problem, and I would never be able to get that word in his voice out of my head. The argument would be over, but I would be constantly reminded that that was what he thought of me, that he could be so disrespectful to me. In my opinion, grown ups in a loving relationship don't talk to each other like that.
I would like to point out that throughout this post I have refrained as much as possible from using words like lover, partner, or spouse in relation to the person being argued with, because this advice and these arguments are not exclusive to couples. My friends that I've had those nasty arguments with have never remained friends for long, and if you don't choose your words carefully with family you'll have to live with the aftermath indefinitely.
In short, treat people with respect if you want to keep them in your life.
